Allowing grief to expand your comfort zone

When I first started writing this blog, I wanted to help open the conversation about grief. I wanted to help people to speak openly about the sadness, pain, gratitude, and confusion of grief, to break through the platitudes and speak about how it really feels. I have only written from my own personal experience, and from conversations with other widows. What I didn't realise when I started was how much I would change on this new direction my life had taken.

At the beginning, I wrote about how life felt (metaphorically) as if I was walking along and only looking at the ground, looking too far ahead was too frightening - a vast expanse in which Chris was nowhere to be seen. I have described how as time has gone on, I have been able to look a little bit more ahead, to start to think about the future with some hope.

About a year ago, I was contemplating my approaching 50th birthday. I was thinking about all the things that Chris and I had talked about doing "when we retired" and how I didn't want to risk putting off the things I really want to do - Chris died at 53, over a decade before he would have retired. I was also trying to work out which of our future goals I still wanted to do and which were ones that were for Chris. I also identified some adventures that I wanted to follow that would not have been suitable for Chris with his health condition. Since his death I have definitely developed a "life is too short" mentality when it comes to fulfilling my dreams.

One of those dreams has been to visit the Incan ruins of Machu Picchu. I have long been fascinated with this secret city in the clouds, and have always wanted to go to South America. I had made several attempts to persuade friends to come with me but while many said they shared my desire to go, their family and work commitments seemed to prevent ever fixing a date.

So back to that afternoon a year ago. I had entered a competition to win a free trip to trek to Machu Picchu with Evertrek (https://evertrek.co.uk) I didn't win the competition, but I did get a runner up prize of £250 off a trek booking. Whether it was a moment of bravery or madness remains to be seen, but I decided to go for it, and booked myself a solo space on a trekking holiday to Machu Picchu, including the Tocto Pass (4800m). I have never done a trekking holiday, or been at altitude, before (and you don't get much more sea level than where I live!). I will be spending 2 weeks in Peru, with acclimatisation in Cusco, a 5 day trek, some time exploring Machu Picchu and Aguas Calientes, and finishing off with a visit to Rainbow Mountain before I come home.

Over the last year I have gradually increased my walking and hiking miles, lost some weight (not as much I I would have liked, but some!) and improved my fitness (also not as much as I would have liked, but some!) in preparation for this trek. I leave a week today! There are so many aspects of this trip that are anxiety inducing, and so I hope that when I come back it will be with an expanded comfort zone.

What does this have to do with grief?

I am hoping that in writing this piece it will help those in the early stages to have some hope for their future. I could never have imagined doing this 5 or even 3 years ago. It's taken me this time to learn to enjoy my own company, to feel confident in meeting strangers - and even to know and understand what dreams are still mine without Chris to share them with.

I hope those of you who follow me will indulge me using this platform to share some of my experiences of my trip over the next few weeks.