Flying solo

I have never been the sort of person to confidently claim that I love my own company. I love company. I don't mind time alone but I'm at my best with people to bounce off, to banter with, to listen to.

So the first step out of my comfort zone was when I faced the reality that I could wait my whole life to find a friend to come with me on my trip of a lifetime and never get to do it. That's when I decided to book a solo spot on a group trek.

In the intervening months this has been a source of great anxiety. What if... no one likes me/they are all half my age/they think I'm too slow/boring etc. Friends would tell me I was being ridiculous but what it all came down to was - what if I didn't like being on my own?

I took the first step in addressing this earlier this year when I travelled solo to Portugal for a retreat. (It went very well apart from an embarrassing moment when I tried to use ApplePay to pay for my bus ticket and the driver thought I was taking a photo. Quick lesson in the privileges of living in the UK!) The retreat was amazing and at the end of it I could honestly say that I had learned, if not to love my own company, then at least to enjoy being alone. I had expanded my comfort zone.

I joined a Facebook group for solo female travellers and I was surprised to find that not all of them are widowed (or divorced). For me I would never have chosen to go away alone, but I discovered women my age and older who left their husbands at home, not as I used to, to go away with girlfriends, but to travel solo.

The difference of course is that those women had a husband to check in with, to tell all about their adventures, and of course to return home to. And that's what I'm reflecting on as I prepare to fly to Lima today.

I am so grateful today for the friends who sent cards, gifts and snacks wishing me luck and encouragement on my trek, the many who have texted, and the others who have gone on training walks with me. But despite that gratitude I can't help feeling sad that it's not Chris waving me off today, that he's not here to tell about my adventures, that he won't be here when I come home.

That said, I have grown so much in the last few years. I have amazing friends and family to come home to, who will listen to my stories- the same ones who have cheered me on all year.

I may be travelling solo, and I may be doing it all with only the memory of Chris beside me. But I'm not doing it alone. That's a great realisation as I sit in the departure lounge at Heathrow!